Sunday, September 30, 2007
Greatly to be praised
I have been overwhelmed today by how gracious our God is. I keep thinking back on where I was six months ago: in despair, angry, lost, completely lost, and not sure of God's love for me or His presence in my life. I had made an idol out of the control I thought I had over my life. I loved this control. I worshipped it above the Lord. I didn't think I was doing it, but daily, I put my need for control over God's desires for me. I was selfish beyond all recognition, and I blamed God for the place I was, even as I was begging Him to rescue me. He didn't tangibly answer for a long time. At my worst I was desperate to be able to not believe in Him, desperate to disown Him completely. This was impossible, for once you have been taken into the fold, once you become a sheep in His pasture you will never be able to be lost, never be able to run away even if you try. He will always find you. I cried out to Him, begging Him to reveal Himself to me. I knew what He wanted. He wanted control of my life, and I wasn't ready to give it up until a most beloved friend grabbed me by my collar and spoke truth into my life. "God has not been showing up for you, Charissa, because He loves you too much to let you settle for the life you've been living." In other words, God's not going to coddle you and make you think everything is alright, when it's not. He is going to do whatever it takes to make you realize how good you have it with Him, and how bad you have it without Him. Who knows how this little morsel of truth somehow made it past my thick, calloused heart. But the Lord was good and He is faithful, and as soon as I handed over the reigns of my life to Him, I experienced release like I have never known. He began to speak directly to me again. I heard His voice and He heard mine. Sweet fellowship. And as if that is not enough, He is blessing me by using me in other people's lives! Anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate confrontation. But God keeps throwing people across my path who need to hear stern, loving, words of truth, and He's using me to give it them! That's just like God; in my weakness He is strong. He is made perfect in my weaknesses. I am in love with this concept and cannot wrap my mind around how He could ever trust me with these tasks. "The Lord is Great! and greatly to be praised!"
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
fresh faced and ready to meet the world
I'm leaving in 9 days and the idea of making all new friends and being sociable is beginning to seem like a pretty daunting task. One of the things I've been looking forward to the most is being able to be who I really am, and getting a fresh start at it. not that I'm necessarily someone different here at home, but I have fallen into a few habits and my friends have an image/opinion of me that may not be entirely accurate.
for the first time I have a completely clean slate. it's pretty terrifying. why am I so worried about making friends? what has happened in my life to make me so scared of this? I don't know but I plan on doing my best, taking up my little burden and pushing through it. please pray for me on this. God is faithfully guiding me in this area, but it is still a major struggle for me.
I can't believe the yearning of 4 years is finally about to start! Nine days! I'm finally stepping onto the path marked out for me.
for the first time I have a completely clean slate. it's pretty terrifying. why am I so worried about making friends? what has happened in my life to make me so scared of this? I don't know but I plan on doing my best, taking up my little burden and pushing through it. please pray for me on this. God is faithfully guiding me in this area, but it is still a major struggle for me.
I can't believe the yearning of 4 years is finally about to start! Nine days! I'm finally stepping onto the path marked out for me.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
the vision
The Vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport..
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the undergroundThe whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?
And the generation prays
like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules.
Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mould them.
Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
inside.
On the outside?
They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself.
And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport..
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the undergroundThe whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?
And the generation prays
like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules.
Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mould them.
Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
inside.
On the outside?
They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself.
And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
autumn beginnings
it never fails...every year at this time I long for the fall season. my body physically aches for the feeling of a cool breeze pushing the hair from my face, for the taste of warm pumpkin bread and peppermint hot chocolate. I don't have any specific fall memories that stand out to me from my childhood...just an overall nostalgia for the season. most of the biggest changes in my life have occurred during this time, maybe that's why I like it.
I remember moving into my very first apartment with two of my best friends and that fresh feeling of complete independence. we had some friends over to help us move our little bunch of hand me down furniture and picture frames of family. we all went out to eat afterward and it was bliss. I loved it.
I also spent one of the best road trips in fall. it was right after we moved in. Me, Katie and Jess packed up my Pathfinder and headed out to spend the weekend in Fort Worth with Jonathan and Michael. They were freshmen in college and hadn't quite put their roots down into the scene and so were happy to spend the whole weekend with us. we went to a restaurant that was WAY too expensive for 2 college kids and 3 girls who had crappy jobs and bills to pay. but we said "what the hey" and paid $25 each for the best meal of our lives. I've never laughed so much in a weekend. oh...and might I add...I had the best haircut EVER.
I've always thought of September as the beginning of the new year, as opposed to January. Maybe it's from years of school; I always equate September as my time to start over. It fits I think. Like I said, all my major life changes have occurred around this time. And this year is no different. In 20 days I will board a plane on my way to my new life. In November I turn 22, the first in a long line of not fun birthdays. Or at least that's my prediction. Maybe I'm being too cynical. Nevertheless, I am anticipating this new beginning just as much as the others.Wednesday, September 12, 2007
food for thought
I've been reading John Steinbeck's East of Eden for the last few weeks. I am in love with his style of writing, it is excessively relatable. I think anyone could understand it. Anyways, I just got to a part in the book where the characters are discussing the story of Cain and Abel from the Bible. I have never felt fully able to understand this story, but the characters of East of Eden put some interesting ideas on the table.
"If a story is not about the hearer, he will not listen. And I here make this rule- a great and lasting story is about everyone or it will not last. The strange and foreign is not interesting-only the deeply personal and familiar", Lee said.
"Apply that to the Cain and Abel story", said Samuel.
"I think I can. I think this is the best known story in the world because it is everybody's story. I think it is the symbol story of the human soul. I'm feeling my way now-don't jump on me because it's not clear. The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime, guilt- and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would not be many jails. It is all there-the start, the beginning. One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides the secret guilt; and another steals the money that will make him loved; and a third conquers the world-and always the guilt and revenge and more guilt. The human is the only guilty animal. Now wait! Therefore I think this old and terrible story is important because it is a chart of the soul- the secret, rejected, guilty, soul. "
Now, of course I cannot leave out the hope and inclusion only found in Christ, but I feel like this is me before I knew Him. It is everyone before they know him. Our greatest fear, rejection from those we love, those we look up to.
Thoughts? Feelings?
"If a story is not about the hearer, he will not listen. And I here make this rule- a great and lasting story is about everyone or it will not last. The strange and foreign is not interesting-only the deeply personal and familiar", Lee said.
"Apply that to the Cain and Abel story", said Samuel.
"I think I can. I think this is the best known story in the world because it is everybody's story. I think it is the symbol story of the human soul. I'm feeling my way now-don't jump on me because it's not clear. The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime, guilt- and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would not be many jails. It is all there-the start, the beginning. One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides the secret guilt; and another steals the money that will make him loved; and a third conquers the world-and always the guilt and revenge and more guilt. The human is the only guilty animal. Now wait! Therefore I think this old and terrible story is important because it is a chart of the soul- the secret, rejected, guilty, soul. "
Now, of course I cannot leave out the hope and inclusion only found in Christ, but I feel like this is me before I knew Him. It is everyone before they know him. Our greatest fear, rejection from those we love, those we look up to.
Thoughts? Feelings?
Sunday, September 9, 2007
women of zion
I've been thinking a lot lately about the woman that I want to be, the woman I hope I am becoming. I have been staring at the blinking cursor for about 5 minutes now and I have nothing more profound to write here except a list of the attributes which I think the Lord values in all women who put their trust in Him.
I desire to be a woman whose life is not dictated by Cosmopolitan magazine, or Vogue, in my case. I want the decisions in my life to be made based on my pursuit of the Lord and my relationship with Him, and not by anything else that this culture might throw my way. I want my relationships with others to be paved with goodness, kindness and patience. I want other people's perception of me to be based on the graciousness I pass on to them from the overwhelming Grace I receive from God every day. sheesh, I'm trying to make this sound so much more eloquent than I am capable of writing, but know that I am sincere. haha. I want to be an encouragement to my friends and family. I want to be the mouthpiece of God, wherever he might want to use me in my relationships. one thing I need so much work on, but want so badly to possess: A SERVANT'S HEART. my first-born personality does not help much when it comes to this trait. I typically want things my way or not at all. hard to believe, I know...haha, but you must believe me when I say, I'm a little bossy. ;) ugghhhhh....I want so badly to be rid of this ugly trait.
my wonderful pastor, Matt Carter was speaking tonight of how much the Lord abhors the sin areas of our lives. not just because he is a holy and just God who desires the same for His people, but because we are living, breathing projections of HIM! when we continue to indulge the areas of our lives where we are running away from Him, we are reflecting badly on His character. He does not tolerate this and He will do anything get us to walk in purity again. at the end of the sermon, Matt was talking about something one of his seminary teachers had told the class when he was in school. he was talking about how all through out the Bible, when cities or churches or communities were going down the tubes, running away from God, indulging their sinful desires, usually it was a group of women who would hold out....raising the banner of the Lord and resisting temptation. his professor said that the day we see women in our culture selling out and giving in, becoming mothers and daughters who crave attention in all the wrong places, who seek approval and acceptance from our appearance, the clothes we have, or the boys we sleep with...that day is when we know things are bad. Matt said he thinks this has already begun in our culture...it's heart-breaking to me to see the places where women are seeking joy and contentment. Matt begged the women of our church to stand in the gap and not let this sick and dying culture dictate who we are or how we influence others. this is who I want to be. I want to be the woman who stands in the gap.
so here's my question, for the two people who read this blog: what attributes do you see in a woman of God? what have a I left out? I'm curious to see what other people value in a woman.
I desire to be a woman whose life is not dictated by Cosmopolitan magazine, or Vogue, in my case. I want the decisions in my life to be made based on my pursuit of the Lord and my relationship with Him, and not by anything else that this culture might throw my way. I want my relationships with others to be paved with goodness, kindness and patience. I want other people's perception of me to be based on the graciousness I pass on to them from the overwhelming Grace I receive from God every day. sheesh, I'm trying to make this sound so much more eloquent than I am capable of writing, but know that I am sincere. haha. I want to be an encouragement to my friends and family. I want to be the mouthpiece of God, wherever he might want to use me in my relationships. one thing I need so much work on, but want so badly to possess: A SERVANT'S HEART. my first-born personality does not help much when it comes to this trait. I typically want things my way or not at all. hard to believe, I know...haha, but you must believe me when I say, I'm a little bossy. ;) ugghhhhh....I want so badly to be rid of this ugly trait.
my wonderful pastor, Matt Carter was speaking tonight of how much the Lord abhors the sin areas of our lives. not just because he is a holy and just God who desires the same for His people, but because we are living, breathing projections of HIM! when we continue to indulge the areas of our lives where we are running away from Him, we are reflecting badly on His character. He does not tolerate this and He will do anything get us to walk in purity again. at the end of the sermon, Matt was talking about something one of his seminary teachers had told the class when he was in school. he was talking about how all through out the Bible, when cities or churches or communities were going down the tubes, running away from God, indulging their sinful desires, usually it was a group of women who would hold out....raising the banner of the Lord and resisting temptation. his professor said that the day we see women in our culture selling out and giving in, becoming mothers and daughters who crave attention in all the wrong places, who seek approval and acceptance from our appearance, the clothes we have, or the boys we sleep with...that day is when we know things are bad. Matt said he thinks this has already begun in our culture...it's heart-breaking to me to see the places where women are seeking joy and contentment. Matt begged the women of our church to stand in the gap and not let this sick and dying culture dictate who we are or how we influence others. this is who I want to be. I want to be the woman who stands in the gap.
so here's my question, for the two people who read this blog: what attributes do you see in a woman of God? what have a I left out? I'm curious to see what other people value in a woman.
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