worth

I have got to stop finding my worth in my friends and what boys may or may not think of me. all girls have insecurities, well, all people have insecurities I suppose. my big one is my friends. the fear of losing friends drives me to be a people pleaser 24/7. I will go to great lengths, spend outrageous amounts of money on parties that people don't show up to most of the time, host get-togethers, and for what? it's all in the hopes that I will find out that my friends really do like me and want to spend time with me and with eachother. it's pretty sick, really. this is something the Lord has been working on me for a long time. it has a HUGE impact on my ministry too. the fear of losing friends or even just changing the dynamic of an already exisiting friendship prevents me from sharing the Gospel sometimes. I have a few friends who do not know the Lord and I'm too scared to share how my life has been changed by Him because it might push them away. why can't I remember that the Gospel is LIFE- by sharing it with them I am offering life...not something that is going to suck their happiness away. the Lord is sooooo much bigger than I give Him credit for, and it is so hard for me to trust that He knows what He is doing when He calls me to share.

I was driving in my sister's car yesterday, complete with no air conditioning in the blistering heat, when I felt it start to lurch right on the highway. I looked at the gas gauge and saw there was still an 8th of a tank. well...turns out you can't let the gas get below a quarter of a tank, something my beautiful sister neglected to tell me. as I was sitting, crying on the side of the road, my car right in the middle of a lane, other cars honking and swerving to miss it, God started nagging me about where my worth is found. the flesh part of me actually thought for a few minutes, "As soon as I get married and have a husband who loves me for who I am, I will be cured of this insecurity, I won't need anybody else's approval because I will have his." how absurd is that?? the Lord quickly corrected me and reminded me that and I am His child, His beloved and I can never find my worth in anyone else but Him. He loves me for who I am, unconditionally, forever and ever, and if I ever were to run away, He would chase me until He found me and brought me back home.